Heavy on my heart

*warning: long post ahead*

I have been trying to analyze my lack of posting lately, because I truly find it appalling. Posting just a few snippets of my life here and there, or a quote and a pretty picture without any kind of substantial post to keep myself and you all invested just isn't like me. I'm a talker, a venter, someone who needs to get stuff well and truly out of my system on a regular basis. I'm choosey about who I share things with, but overall, I share. I may let things build for a while and then pour my heart out in an emotional, sloppy way, or dwell on something and beat an issue until it's well and fully dead, but I get it all out.

But, if you look at my recent posting you would never know that. I've kept the bare minimum of a presence here via fill-in-the-blank posts and lovely little quotes. Don't get me wrong, those little blurbs can speak volumes and are always fun to post, but I miss talking to you all about my life as though we were gathered around a table in a coffee shop together, sipping on lattes and cups of tea. I miss blogging with my whole heart.

So, I analyzed.

The typical (and real) justifications/excuses came to mind:

+ I'm in a new relationship and am allowing myself to be consumed by it and my happiness

+ Work has yet to die down from this summer and I'm feeling a little stressed

+ I tackled another fast-paced Economics class, which took up a lot of my free time

+ I have errands to run, dinners to cook and a gym to visit

etc, etc, etc...

All of those things are true, and with the busyness of the Holidays, I do feel like I spend most evenings running around like a mad woman trying to get stuff done...I'm tired by the time I get home and the last thing I feel like doing is putting together a cohesive blog post. This is reality, but it still isn't the root of the issue.

You want to know what is? Here you go: the stuff that I really want to talk about, the things weighing on my heart, feel too personal to share in a public forum.

The topics that I really want to get off of my chest, and that come to mind whenever I sit down in front of an empty blog post, aren't really appropriate to splash all over the internet. They're my current issues. They're things I am in the process of dealing with. Some of them are issues that I have no control over, and those are the worst. Those are the ones I dwell on. They have consequences for my psyche and my emotions; consequences that only I can cope with, and unfortunately, I'm not always pleasant as I try to work through these kinds of issues. I swear I would feel better if I could just sit and write them all out; it's cathartic and healing. But, it's simply not appropriate for posting. So, I write them in unpublished posts; adding thoughts to rambling entries that no one else will see. It helps. I am trying to come to some sort of understanding...with myself, with others, sometimes with God...but mostly with myself.

This post is heavier than I intended it to be, but it feels good to get some of that off my chest. I want to get back to more regular posting, for myself and for all of you who read this and who I consider to be lovely, wonderful friends. I need to fill you in on my boyfriend, and about my foray into macroeconomics, the insanity of work, and some of the fun things I've done lately and those that are still in the works. I will feel better when I do this.

Thank you all for sticking with me.