Forgive the anger...forgive yourself

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Meg Fee has a way with words. Anyone who's ever read her lovely blog the wild and wily ways of a brunette bombshell can attest to this.

Yesterday, Meg wrote a lovely post about forgiveness, and a few of her lines struck a chord with me:

"forgive the anger you feel. feel it and then look again with kinder eyes. forgive yourself for not handling it all better, for feeling like you let others down. the path is not done, the road is not finished, why are you trying so hard to rush the whole thing? celebrate the fact that your story has some major departures."

I'm angry about some things in my life. The anger has been there for a while, and will probably remain for a while yet. The process of analyzing, coping, coming to terms, and moving on is slow. That's ok. The anger doesn't rear its ugly head as often as it used to, but it's certainly still close enough to the surface that it cannot be denied. I truly feel that the anger itself is valid. I have a right to be angry, and I'm not ashamed of that. But, how I've handled it all has been sub par at times, and that has made the whole thing worse than it is. Not being able to handle the anger how I know I should, or how I wish I could, or how others think I should has been awful. I'm ok with this being a slow process, but I don't like it being an internally ugly one; it's too painful. So, acknowledgement can be my first step towards forgiveness. I'm human. Shit happens. Life changes in an instant, but that doesn't mean acceptance and forgiveness are also instantaneous.

Heavy on my heart

*warning: long post ahead*

I have been trying to analyze my lack of posting lately, because I truly find it appalling. Posting just a few snippets of my life here and there, or a quote and a pretty picture without any kind of substantial post to keep myself and you all invested just isn't like me. I'm a talker, a venter, someone who needs to get stuff well and truly out of my system on a regular basis. I'm choosey about who I share things with, but overall, I share. I may let things build for a while and then pour my heart out in an emotional, sloppy way, or dwell on something and beat an issue until it's well and fully dead, but I get it all out.

But, if you look at my recent posting you would never know that. I've kept the bare minimum of a presence here via fill-in-the-blank posts and lovely little quotes. Don't get me wrong, those little blurbs can speak volumes and are always fun to post, but I miss talking to you all about my life as though we were gathered around a table in a coffee shop together, sipping on lattes and cups of tea. I miss blogging with my whole heart.

So, I analyzed.

The typical (and real) justifications/excuses came to mind:

+ I'm in a new relationship and am allowing myself to be consumed by it and my happiness

+ Work has yet to die down from this summer and I'm feeling a little stressed

+ I tackled another fast-paced Economics class, which took up a lot of my free time

+ I have errands to run, dinners to cook and a gym to visit

etc, etc, etc...

All of those things are true, and with the busyness of the Holidays, I do feel like I spend most evenings running around like a mad woman trying to get stuff done...I'm tired by the time I get home and the last thing I feel like doing is putting together a cohesive blog post. This is reality, but it still isn't the root of the issue.

You want to know what is? Here you go: the stuff that I really want to talk about, the things weighing on my heart, feel too personal to share in a public forum.

The topics that I really want to get off of my chest, and that come to mind whenever I sit down in front of an empty blog post, aren't really appropriate to splash all over the internet. They're my current issues. They're things I am in the process of dealing with. Some of them are issues that I have no control over, and those are the worst. Those are the ones I dwell on. They have consequences for my psyche and my emotions; consequences that only I can cope with, and unfortunately, I'm not always pleasant as I try to work through these kinds of issues. I swear I would feel better if I could just sit and write them all out; it's cathartic and healing. But, it's simply not appropriate for posting. So, I write them in unpublished posts; adding thoughts to rambling entries that no one else will see. It helps. I am trying to come to some sort of understanding...with myself, with others, sometimes with God...but mostly with myself.

This post is heavier than I intended it to be, but it feels good to get some of that off my chest. I want to get back to more regular posting, for myself and for all of you who read this and who I consider to be lovely, wonderful friends. I need to fill you in on my boyfriend, and about my foray into macroeconomics, the insanity of work, and some of the fun things I've done lately and those that are still in the works. I will feel better when I do this.

Thank you all for sticking with me.

"You see I'm one of those people who lives sensibly and sanely"

This has been making its way through the blogosphere, but oh, how it speaks to me! I couldn't resist posting it myself.

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I think we all worry that when we reach the end of our days we'll look back with regrets and wishful thinking. I'm not a true believer in regrets because I'm such a proponent of free will. I choose my life, and therefore I don't regret the things I've done because they are an integral part of who I am. But, I do believe in wishful thinking, and that can be a bittersweet thing; an overwhelming force of both the positive and the negative.

So, here's my little reminder to embrace the carefree a little more with each passing year; to take more risks; and to keep happiness at the top of my list of achievements.

This life is mine, no one elses, and I am responsible for its outcome.

Tequila, friendship and Woody Allen

Tonight has been one of those nights spent looking for a quick fix to numerous problems.

I would love to say that I'm focused on, and trying to solve, the problems of others, of people close to me, but tonight it's much more selfish than that. I'm trying to put a band-aid on the things that are keeping me awake at night. The things that affect my life, whether it be directly or indirectly, that I have little to no control over, but feel as though they are slowly breaking my spirit nonetheless. This all sounds a tad dramatic, and I'm sure it legitimately is, but the joy of having my own blog is being able to indulge in my dramatic side from time to time. The saving grace in all of this is my knowledge that there is reality at the core of my drama.

So, tonight's band-aid has come in the form of conversation with an old friend over a shared quesadilla; the smooth warmth of tequila enjoyed in a couple of margaritas; and the quirky appeal of a Woody Allen movie.

It's just a quick fix, but I'll take it for tonight.

What the day holds for me

Cups of Lady Grey tea with a splash of milk because even when it's in the 90's, I love the comfort of a hot beverage.

A quick lunch date with my Mom because she truly is one of my best friends.

Stolen moments for daydreaming; briefly giving into my unsettled feeling that tends to arise when I'm stressed. Australia has consumed me ever since I got back from my trip, and I can't decide if it's due to a shift in me or if it's because my mind and body need a little more then the 2 weeks I gave them to fully digest my experiences.

Juggling my Fire Invoice Auditor hat with my Fire Invoice Trainer hat...I love the additional help, but rarely give myself enough credit as a good teacher.

Reading this blog, which encourages, rather than helps, my unsettled feeling.

Contemplating yoga again.

Itching for an evening jog; just me, my music and my thoughts.

Wondering if I should pick up a bottle or two of wine on my way home. I'm all out and I like having them around in case I need to bring a bottle to a girls night or gift one (unopened, of course) to a friend, but the knowledge that I need to pack for my upcoming move has me second-guessing my usual actions.

Wishing I hadn't brought up the move...too stressful at the moment.

Wanting a chat with Jamie, but unable to find the time for more than just a few random snippets between our crazy schedules.

Needing to see Harry Potter 7.2. Again. I feel like a door of my childhood was just closed.

Length and Width

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.
-Diane Ackerman-

After a while.

"After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and changing a soul. You begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. And you start to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain. After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth. You learn that with every goodbye, there’s a hello. Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash. Fall in love. Be random. Say I love you. Cry. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Drink until the bottle’s empty. Sing out loud. Tell an asshole how you feel. Let someone know what they’re missing. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Live Life."
-unknown-
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